What the fuck is so wrong with what you're doing now? [And maybe it's the first time he'd really fully admit that he liked their life too. There are things he used to envy, no matter what he said] You have a good life here. All your friends are here.
And what do I have besides the five of you? Nothing. I didn't spend the last few years breaking myself just to stop and spend the rest of it in Nowhere, Virginia. You and Ronan'll go back to the Barns the moment Matthew turns eighteen, and you two'll figure out what you want to do in life. Ronan'll probably start the farm back up. I don't know about you, but you'll find what you want and just go into it head on, because I can't see you doing anything else. Maybe you'll take over your family business but I don't see that for you. Gansey? If Gansey lives, he's going to go off and do all the things Gansey's always done. Finding ancient things and solving mysteries. Blue'll go off and save the entire freaking ecosystem because she's kind of awesome like that. And then they'll have their own happily ever after because wherever one's going to go, you can be sure the other's going to be right behind them. Noah'll either end up coming back from death and can finally grow up, or he'll be out here, there, wherever he wants to go because he can do that. But what about me? Where's my happy ending in all of this? Waiting for one of you guys to come back to Monmouth and remember that I'm still out here, working my ass off just to live? Tending the ley line while nobody else gets me?
I don't know about you, but that's not what I want.
[It's quite a bit of word vomit from Adam, maybe the most he's ever said in one go. The alcohol must be working on him, though, because there really isn't any shame there, just a feeling of lightness for getting it off his chest.]
I don't want to be left behind, but it's gonna happen if I stay here.
[Yeah, that's definitely the most he's ever heard Adam say. That might be the most he's ever heard anyone say and it's weird that Adam is telling him of all people, but he's actually ok with it. He even finds himself understanding where Adam is coming from]
You're right. Everyone's probably gonna do all those things. And you might get left behind here, or you might not. But if you think your happy ending, or whatever, isn't here, then you should get out of here. They're all gonna cry about it for ages, like babies, but fuck that. You do what you gotta do.
You do have really good friends here though. And I bet they're always including you in their future plans, one way or another. When we move to the Barns, we can rent a space out for you with the cows and the piggies.
That's the plan. But I still want you guys around. I even like being the Magician. Just because I plan on doing other things doesn't mean I won't forget any of you. You're the only friends I've ever had.
[He looks back up after taking another sip of vodka with a small glare. He hasn't let himself think this way since he decided to move into Monmouth, but Kavinsky's new to all of this, still.]
That's part of it, too. I don't want any of your pity. I don't want to be the afterthought or on the fringe of the lives you guys are making because I don't have anyone else. I think that'd be worse than if you guys just all drifted away.
[It's a very strange feeling to be included in the friends thing, but there it was, all out in the open] I don't think any one of us would let you forget us anyway. What are you gonna do at college?
[He rolls his eyes] It's not pity, asshole. I don't do that shit. But whatever, I don't care. Being nice is not my thing.
Political science. Maybe business administration. Something that'll get me to the top.
[He drains the cup and reaches for the bottle.] How else am I supposed to take it? I tell you one of my biggest fears and then you turn around and tell me that I can live in a spare room on the property so I don't feel as left behind. That's pity if I've ever heard it.
Well, Aglionby should set you up pretty nicely for all of that shit. Maybe you can be the mayor of Henrietta one day.
Whatever, man. I didn't mean it that way. It's just weird to think of all you fuckers not being together. This place is cool. Monmouth. With all you guys living here. It's like, a better version of what I used to have, cause you all actually give a shit about each other. You'd do anything for each other, I bet, and that's cool.
[He lets himself think about that, and smiles wistfully. The idea's a nice one, but even that seems so far removed from where he is now that it feels like an ocean's separating him from it.] Maybe, yeah.
We do, but it isn't permanent. We're all only here because there's nowhere else for us. No one else really understands or tries to understand the things we've seen or done or been through. Except Gansey. That's what holds us together, and when all of this is said and done? When we find Glendower, then what?
You'd implement all kinds of boring rules. Except for dick day.
[He furrows his eyebrows, wondering if the others feel this way too] You're all only here because there's nowhere else for you? That's the biggest load of bullshit I've ever heard. [he sounds almost offended by this, because then it just sounds like they're all using each other too. In a different way than him and his friends, but still. Using each other for company because there's no other options. He's never seen Adam, Gansey and Ronan like that before. Even the dead kid fits right in here, because they just do that. They fit] You're really fucking stupid if you think that. If you think some old bag of bones is all that's holding you together.
First law would be to prohibit that atrocious hair of yours.
It's not. [He knows it isn't, really, but it's difficult for him sometimes to look at positives.] I'm just...I worry about this kind of stuff, okay? What happens after all of this? Where does that put all of us once we don't have all of this weird in our lives anymore. Even just going back to school and dealing with normal stuff is hard after the summer we just had. That's what everything's going to be like after all of this.
The amount of time you spend talking about my hair, I think you wanna fuck it.
You worry too much about shit you can't even be sure about. You spend so much time worrying about it, that you don't just live in the now. Enjoy your fucking time together and worry about the rest of it when it gets here.
You're so sad all the time. I get it, I do. My dad beat the shit out of me too. It's easy to get stuck in all of it and you're poor as fuck on top of that. But all this shit doesn't have to take over your life. [He grabs the bottle and takes a long sip. This empathy crap makes him want to drink, for sure]
I don't even know how. [Adam surprises himself with that answer, just because it's something that he's known but never said aloud. His moments of spontaneity have always been because of Ronan or Gansey, and now Kavinsky. Everything else has always been meticulously planned ever since he became autonomous enough to do so.]
Then you should do something about yourself, cause you're the only one here who has them. [He flicks at Adam's nose]
That's because you think too much. Just let go of all that god damn worry. Live like you're gonna die tomorrow and nothing you do will matter, cause most of the time it doesn't anyway. Like really, what's gonna happen if you get drunk tonight? Or if you go out there and race a car? How is that gonna lead to a catastrophe?
Well, consider yourself lucky that you're friends with me. You wont get a DUI. It's pretty much impossible around here. They make airbags for crashes. I'm not dead, am I?
Almost this, almost that. You could get hit by a truck on the way to school, or fall in a cave while exploring the forests. We could have gotten killed by some big fucking creature on the side of the road, but we didn't.
[He pauses, knocking back another shot, then hops up and kicks at Adam's leg] Come on. Get up.
[Kavinsky's expression turns to a satisfied one within moments and he grabs Adam's hoodie, tossing it to him, then his own and heads out to the cars] We're gonna do this. Right now. We're gonna race. Just down this street and around. Cars barely come through here, you wont crash into anyone.
We're fine, Parrish. [He's slightly tipsy, sure. Maybe a little high. But he's driven in far, far worse condition] Don't worry, man. We're not betting on your virginity or anything. We're just taking the cars around the block. The Batmobile can handle it.
Get in, loser. Don't be a pussy. [He grabs Adam's shoulders and starts moving him toward the Bentley]
This is so stupid. [But he's pulling out his keys and getting in the car, anyway. This is dumb. The whole situation has Adam off-balance and on edge, but he also has the same jittery feeling as when he won his first and only race, only this time there's no Ronan egging him on to do it. He's here of his own (sort of) free will. He could bail, Kavinsky would call him something not-so-pleasant, and life would go on. But he's starting the car anyway and pulling up to the gates of Monmouth, waiting for Kavinsky.]
Your face is stupid. This'll be fucking fun. [He puts his arms up in success when Adam gets in the car, then he's running off to his, getting in and buckling up. He rolls his window down as he pulls up to the Bentley, sunglasses on, leaning out] I'll go slow. Ease you right into it. Go all the way down the road, then make that right that twists all the way back around, got it?
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2014-12-08 06:14 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2014-12-08 06:37 am (UTC)I don't know about you, but that's not what I want.
[It's quite a bit of word vomit from Adam, maybe the most he's ever said in one go. The alcohol must be working on him, though, because there really isn't any shame there, just a feeling of lightness for getting it off his chest.]
I don't want to be left behind, but it's gonna happen if I stay here.
no subject
Date: 2014-12-08 06:58 am (UTC)You're right. Everyone's probably gonna do all those things. And you might get left behind here, or you might not. But if you think your happy ending, or whatever, isn't here, then you should get out of here. They're all gonna cry about it for ages, like babies, but fuck that. You do what you gotta do.
You do have really good friends here though. And I bet they're always including you in their future plans, one way or another. When we move to the Barns, we can rent a space out for you with the cows and the piggies.
no subject
Date: 2014-12-08 07:06 am (UTC)[He looks back up after taking another sip of vodka with a small glare. He hasn't let himself think this way since he decided to move into Monmouth, but Kavinsky's new to all of this, still.]
That's part of it, too. I don't want any of your pity. I don't want to be the afterthought or on the fringe of the lives you guys are making because I don't have anyone else. I think that'd be worse than if you guys just all drifted away.
no subject
Date: 2014-12-08 07:45 pm (UTC)[He rolls his eyes] It's not pity, asshole. I don't do that shit. But whatever, I don't care. Being nice is not my thing.
no subject
Date: 2014-12-08 08:32 pm (UTC)[He drains the cup and reaches for the bottle.] How else am I supposed to take it? I tell you one of my biggest fears and then you turn around and tell me that I can live in a spare room on the property so I don't feel as left behind. That's pity if I've ever heard it.
no subject
Date: 2014-12-08 08:37 pm (UTC)Whatever, man. I didn't mean it that way. It's just weird to think of all you fuckers not being together. This place is cool. Monmouth. With all you guys living here. It's like, a better version of what I used to have, cause you all actually give a shit about each other. You'd do anything for each other, I bet, and that's cool.
no subject
Date: 2014-12-08 09:10 pm (UTC)We do, but it isn't permanent. We're all only here because there's nowhere else for us. No one else really understands or tries to understand the things we've seen or done or been through. Except Gansey. That's what holds us together, and when all of this is said and done? When we find Glendower, then what?
no subject
Date: 2014-12-08 09:23 pm (UTC)[He furrows his eyebrows, wondering if the others feel this way too] You're all only here because there's nowhere else for you? That's the biggest load of bullshit I've ever heard. [he sounds almost offended by this, because then it just sounds like they're all using each other too. In a different way than him and his friends, but still. Using each other for company because there's no other options. He's never seen Adam, Gansey and Ronan like that before. Even the dead kid fits right in here, because they just do that. They fit] You're really fucking stupid if you think that. If you think some old bag of bones is all that's holding you together.
no subject
Date: 2014-12-08 10:18 pm (UTC)It's not. [He knows it isn't, really, but it's difficult for him sometimes to look at positives.] I'm just...I worry about this kind of stuff, okay? What happens after all of this? Where does that put all of us once we don't have all of this weird in our lives anymore. Even just going back to school and dealing with normal stuff is hard after the summer we just had. That's what everything's going to be like after all of this.
no subject
Date: 2014-12-08 10:28 pm (UTC)You worry too much about shit you can't even be sure about. You spend so much time worrying about it, that you don't just live in the now. Enjoy your fucking time together and worry about the rest of it when it gets here.
You're so sad all the time. I get it, I do. My dad beat the shit out of me too. It's easy to get stuck in all of it and you're poor as fuck on top of that. But all this shit doesn't have to take over your life. [He grabs the bottle and takes a long sip. This empathy crap makes him want to drink, for sure]
no subject
Date: 2014-12-08 10:43 pm (UTC)I don't even know how. [Adam surprises himself with that answer, just because it's something that he's known but never said aloud. His moments of spontaneity have always been because of Ronan or Gansey, and now Kavinsky. Everything else has always been meticulously planned ever since he became autonomous enough to do so.]
no subject
Date: 2014-12-08 10:53 pm (UTC)That's because you think too much. Just let go of all that god damn worry. Live like you're gonna die tomorrow and nothing you do will matter, cause most of the time it doesn't anyway. Like really, what's gonna happen if you get drunk tonight? Or if you go out there and race a car? How is that gonna lead to a catastrophe?
no subject
Date: 2014-12-08 11:04 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2014-12-08 11:06 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2014-12-08 11:08 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2014-12-08 11:19 pm (UTC)[He pauses, knocking back another shot, then hops up and kicks at Adam's leg] Come on. Get up.
no subject
Date: 2014-12-09 12:07 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2014-12-09 12:09 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2014-12-09 12:13 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2014-12-09 12:28 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2014-12-09 02:58 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2014-12-09 03:02 am (UTC)Get in, loser. Don't be a pussy. [He grabs Adam's shoulders and starts moving him toward the Bentley]
no subject
Date: 2014-12-09 04:01 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2014-12-09 05:14 am (UTC)In which I reveal my love for cars.
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