He was in his own world by that point, letting out all the grief and rage he'd held back for this place that he hadn't let out or directed at people who didn't deserve it. Because while an ashamed part of him would return in a heartbeat, this was still the place that had made the worst part of him. Where he resisted friendship for most of his life. Where he learned to resent Gansey for the things he had and the person he was when he neither deserved it nor controlled that aspect of his life. Where he learned to covet all of them for the things he never had growing up. Where he learned to eschew concern for him while still craving affection. Where he learned anger and frustration, things that ultimately cost him his relationship with Blue. Where he learned love came with pain, and so he caused all of them that in one way or another. Where he learned self doubt and fear, which cost him his relationship with Ronan before it ever truly began. Where he learned to judge, which made the path to friendship with Kavinsky harder than it had to be. Where pragmatism was more valued than idealism, which killed Whelk and sown the horrific seeds for Greenmantle's undoing. Where a monster lived, who in turn made his son into one. Where he was taught to turn everything he touched into dust, except for the place that truly deserved it. But Robert Parrish taught him well. If he couldn't turn this place into dust, he would reduce it to ruins.
He was stopped only by the feel of strong arms taking hold of him and he started with a small cry. At first he thought it was Robert, returned too soon from whatever hole he had decided to crawl into for the weekend, but soon he was enveloped by the smell of Gasoline and mist and moss and Ronan, and the fear turned to shame. He started fighting, trying to make it to another stone. "No! Damn it, Ronan! I have to!" He fought and shouted, but Ronan was too strong for him, and eventually the urge began to subside, leaving Adam weak, depending more on Ronan than himself to stay upright.
He turned in his arms, the fight gone and letting his hands wrap around Ronan's torso tightly, sobbing into his neck. It was grief and anger both, for his mother who still hadn't found the courage to stand up for herself and leave. For himself who needed the threat of the only person in his life who refused to take his shit being taken away to find his own. For the boy who grew up too ugly and too soon. For the man Robert could have been. For the family that never was.
Eventually even that ended, and in its wake there was nothing save for the heaving of Adam's body trying to reset itself in the aftermath of his fury and sadness. When he spoke, it was hoarse from his crying and devoid of anything. "Why couldn't they love me?" He was beyond caring how people would view him in that moment. "How come I'm not worth it?"
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He was stopped only by the feel of strong arms taking hold of him and he started with a small cry. At first he thought it was Robert, returned too soon from whatever hole he had decided to crawl into for the weekend, but soon he was enveloped by the smell of Gasoline and mist and moss and Ronan, and the fear turned to shame. He started fighting, trying to make it to another stone. "No! Damn it, Ronan! I have to!" He fought and shouted, but Ronan was too strong for him, and eventually the urge began to subside, leaving Adam weak, depending more on Ronan than himself to stay upright.
He turned in his arms, the fight gone and letting his hands wrap around Ronan's torso tightly, sobbing into his neck. It was grief and anger both, for his mother who still hadn't found the courage to stand up for herself and leave. For himself who needed the threat of the only person in his life who refused to take his shit being taken away to find his own. For the boy who grew up too ugly and too soon. For the man Robert could have been. For the family that never was.
Eventually even that ended, and in its wake there was nothing save for the heaving of Adam's body trying to reset itself in the aftermath of his fury and sadness. When he spoke, it was hoarse from his crying and devoid of anything. "Why couldn't they love me?" He was beyond caring how people would view him in that moment. "How come I'm not worth it?"